How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
incredible text to wake up to
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
