Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

😅🤣😂

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.