Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

Well, shit

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.