Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

wtf

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.