Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work