Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Am I having a stroke?

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..