Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

Happens to everyone.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

Blew out my flip flop…

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?