How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I am patiently waiting for your email
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
