How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
