Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

It’s that simple 👊🏻

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?