Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

Genius idea!!

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.