How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you