Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

How dude HOW?!

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch