Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”