Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.