Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Saw your ex at the shops

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.