How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.