How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
You Might Also Like
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
shazam but for random noises outside