How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.