Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

this has done me in for some reason

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

realest tweet ever.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.