How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.