The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You Might Also Like
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover