@yonewt

How To Be Interesting:

Never pronounce “Ray Liotta” the same way twice

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@Eightinchgoat

I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.

@PhuckedCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@andrew_durso

stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”

@QwertyJones3

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@freedom2726

Like Mom always said,

“Don’t kick a gift horse in the teeth.”

@2Saddington

Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them