@yonewt

HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER:

1. Pick an adjective
2. Add “AF”
3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule

You Might Also Like

@newLettuce

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

@818Newbie

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

@Meldiesattheend

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

@internetluke

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

@jonnysun

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

@shadonium

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

@LeBearGirdle

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

@MissHavisham

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

@KenJennings

Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science