Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER:
1. Pick an adjective
2. Add “AF”
3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule
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I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*smashes bag of Oreos
*pours on top of salad
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science