how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Cinematography is my passion
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total