Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.