Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

Imma just leave this here…………

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Breaking news:

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags