No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
A choir of Spring onions
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when