Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

That’s incredible! 👌

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.