Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour