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Me: Candy123!

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

I wish I could veto my bills.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

According to math, I’m broke

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.