My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Good advice.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Mornin
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems