How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am