Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Does it…does it take 3 days

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them