Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security