Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships