Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

You might just have to resign…

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

even bears disappoint their mothers

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”