Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

when someone compliments me

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy