How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.