Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

decorating my apartment

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog