How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
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“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”