How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did