Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Story of my life…..

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

jesus christ confetti not now

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

💯😂

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.