Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.