Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!