Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

⚰

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.