How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS