How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1 – use commas
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*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.