How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1 – use commas
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
“i am a sweet baby”
