How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.