Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

*praying for world peace*
God:

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.