How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
These are so Plastic Man-core
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you