Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

Sunday

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Tier 3 meme

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.