How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
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*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Sorry not sorry.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
bro what is going on at twitter
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”