Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.