Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

not for long

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

it takes so much energy

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably