Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Me too door. Me too.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.