How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
not for long
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
it takes so much energy
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably