Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

ㅤ

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Why is everyone getting married at me

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????