How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL