Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon