Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher