Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Watermelon Boss!

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.