How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.