Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

ㅤ

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Finally!

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

The options really are this bad

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

reduce, reuse, recycle

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.