If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…
Me, in the DMV waiting room
My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I can relate to people who say they need to rest so they can recover after a tough workout. I feel exactly the same after a heavy meal.