You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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*tries for a year to brush and floss better*
*goes to dentist*
Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: actually its about games in journalism
*cat continues to ask for food*
The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.
“You ate the whole ba-”
THERE’S NO WAY TO KNOW.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.