Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

I am patiently waiting for your email

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good