How to draw a duck
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.