How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
#ProTip
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.