Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

W

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

ㅤ

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught