Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

I only treason on days ending in y

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress